Some days I feel lucky. I feel lucky when I wake up a minute before my alarm and don’t have to listen to the jumpy sound, catch a series of green lights while I’m driving, or when the person I want to hear from texts me first thing in the morning. I’ve come to describe this feeling of luck as “forward movement.” Forward movement is special. In my mind, it’s a gift from the universe that you’re moving in alignment with your path. It can also just be a good reminder that you’re going somewhere, and any type of movement forward is good generally.
Forward movement is also great advice when you’re exiting any kind of relationship, romantic or not. In all of my previous relationships and friendships, forward movement has helped me to heal. It’s helped to move forward in my routine, with my life or with other connections pretty immediately. This includes exercise, periods of no contact, or emotionally moving forward through processing grief. No looking back at the past, it’s not in front of you anymore. If you look in that direction, that is likely where you’ll go. Conversely, forward movement in relationships can also be that continuous feeling of luck from the universe, as previously described above. A winning streak at work, when you find your person and you automatically know they are the one (don’t ask me I’m not speaking from experience, just what my happily partnered friends tell me) and everything just feels right.
Recently I have been caught in an in between feeling of forward movement and feeling stuck in the past. The best way I can describe this feeling is like when you’re re-reading old texts between yourself and a person from months ago, when the conversation does not reflect the reality of your current relationship with that person. The old text messages and voice memos reflect the state of the relationship from August, or October, when the person you want to hear from last said “I love you” to you, and you’re holding onto that moment months later. It’s a stuck feeling and goes against the grain of forward movement. This feeling confuses me and I feel stuck for days. As a highly sensitive person with a lot of Cancer and Gemini placements, it’s easy to get sucked into sentimental moments that are not rooted in my current reality. It’s pulling myself out of them, the in-between feeling, that is difficult.
I don’t feel luck or forward movement when I’m stuck in the past. Logically, my brain goes “duh, of course you won’t because it is the past for a reason!” It’s hard for me to move forward in any direction when I feel drawn to certain people, places and things. My heart wants to stay inclusive of all experiences. My brain understands that people can reserve the right to change their mind at any moment. Resisting change is my way of trying to gain some control in a situation where I know there is no control to be had. It’s a game I will always lose, no matter how lucky I feel. I understand that the way to rid myself of this feeling (temporarily, it will always come back when something isn’t meant for me) is to move forward.
I am so reluctant to change, I wish it could move through me like water. In this season of life I’m deeply struggling to understand what is meant for me. Sometimes I don’t want to move. Movement (forward movement) feels debilitating. I’m scared of what’s right around the corner, of new experiences that I’m meant to have. I want to meet these new experiences with open arms, but I struggle big time to rid myself of old experiences and people that no longer serve me. I’m stuck in an in-between state and the only thing in the way of forward movement is myself and my reluctance to change. I want to hold onto the holistic version of humans, places and moments that are carefully tucked away into my memory bank knowing that they will never leave or change. I know the latter to be untrue, but it’s a thought I want to hold onto anyways. I want to move forward but I’m scared.
Someone told me recently that they don’t think they are what I want. I’ve been mulling over this feeling, of the silent knowing that someone is aware that they aren’t what I’m looking for before I’ve reached any awareness at all. It’s the type of forward movement stated as explicitly as this that makes me question why I have to make a decision at all. Why can’t everything I want be meant for me? It’s a stubborn feeling, but I want to be stubborn at this moment. I can either let experiences move through me and transform, or I can resist.
When I fail to move forward, I feel unlucky. I catch red lights and stub my toe, or I see something on social media I know will hurt me. It’s another reminder that the universe is urging me to move forward, always, no matter how much I want to limit change I view as negative (“negative change” is resistance in its most human form). In this situation I’ve not yet decided which path forward I’ll take. Transform, or resist. Parts of me are itching to move but other parts of me are telling me to slow down and make a decision based off of the past. I wish I had a better ending for this blog post. I feel like I’m at war with so many parts of myself to gain the freedom to move in one direction or another. Until next time.